Not breaking

SANCTUARY — A souse role-player repeatedly violated government orders this weekend.

By some estimates, it was his 153rd indiscretion of the year, which would set a local record for crimes without punishment. (May his record catch up with him eventually.)

In a supreme show of willpower for someone who treated grapefruit Malfy like a Hydro Flask with a metal straw, numerous carnal desires were awoken but not acted upon Sunday. These included:

• Maintaining a healthy respect for, and distance from, carnal desires
• Polyrhythmic gyrations and general buffoonery
• The use of unnecessarily complicated and inconsistent phrasing: Verbiage
• The instant regret of sharing a fermenting idea while it’s still intoxicating

Soundtracked by the dozens of other ne’er-do-wells and African descendants on-site, the citrus-scented loon caught you in your own mindless word association. Seek reformation or face execution.

Sources say the man, who has remained mostly sober in the face of unprecedented trauma and relational dissolution, made eye contact with a woman as she played with a child.

We are printing this unconfirmed report with respect to its newsworthiness and our own bottom line.

Subscribe to Prétentious today. She made a beautiful mother.